The funny thing about death is that it always happens to the other guy!
Death is literally the first thing someone does not technically experience......by definition. The only real experience that comes from death is the grief that is felt by others.
Many Boomers are now caring for parents who will soon die. Indeed, the death of a parent is becoming the universal shared experience of the Boomer generation these days.
Many others have sons and daugthers who recently died tragically in Iraq or in Afganhistan.
But how to handle grief....? Does one put on a brave face and express no emotion? Or, do you walk down the street sobbing uncontrolably....? Probably neither extreme is best.....
Repressed grief can have serious emotional consequences within the first year of a significant death. And it must be handled carefully and avoided if possible.
But, Excessive memorializing and making of odd vows can lead to trouble. I met a guy recently (a customer) who had hair down to his knees....! After trying not to notice, I asked him if his long hair was some kind of world record.... He said no. And volunteered that he had quit cutting his hair back in 1981 after his father died. The reason: His father had always cut his hair when this fellow was a kid....!
Now this guy had made himself into a kind of freak....just because of his misplaced grief about his father cutting his hair.... How sad really.
I DO NOT RECOMMEND UNUSUAL VOW MAKING OR EXCESSIVE MEMORIALIZING ABOUT THE DEAD.
But Repressed grief can have serious conseqences too; it is best not to be "too brave"....the mind is a mysterious hydrolic mechanism...and repressed feelings can "pop up" in unexpected places later on.
Probably the best way to handle grief is to just sit down with a significant other, and/or a bottle of Pinot, and have a good cry.....and do this for a few weeks after the death. At least you won't suddenly develope a fear of getting into elevators six months later!
After an appropriate time, say a month or two, grief should be "encapsulated" by giving the grieving person plenty of DISTRACTIONS AND DIVERSIONS. Go shopping. Take a trip. Visit friends. Or do something really really different...... Later sometimes a return to routine helps too.
Then, with time, slowly the grief fades, and new things move into the foreground of daily life.....life goes on as they say...because it really has no other good choices.
Eventually, the grief becomes symbolic....a mere token to be taken out and looked at on special days....like Memorial Day.
